The Inauguration

This week Americans will come in droves to Washington DC to stand around in very cold temperatures and watch the president get sworn in. This quaint tradition dates back to the founding of the republic, when nobody actually wanted to be president, and we would drag a general or governor or some such, kicking and screaming, to the marble steps of the Capitol. Citizens would stand around peer pressuring the poor sap into begrudgingly accepting the post of Commander-in-Chief for four years.

Nowadays most of the people running for president actually want the job. Presumably they are looking to put something neato on their resumé, so that they can work for Google or something. Consequently, the Inauguration has less to do with peer pressure and has become a celebration in its own right.

Many Americans are excited about patriotism and a chance to show off multicolored hats. Democrats are pleased that their guy won. Visiting Europeans are relieved that George W. Bush did not. Republicans, of course, have mixed feelings about the whole thing, but GOP leaders will show up because of persistent Facebook invites.

Beyoncé is slated to sing the National Anthem. This is a shrewd choice, as Kanye West might well have snatched the microphone away from the president during the swearing-in ceremony to announce that Romney ran the best campaign music video of all time. James Taylor will sing “America the Beautiful”, his first time performing at an Inauguration since the embarrassing “wardrobe malfunction” that exposed one of his breasts on live television in 2004.

A dark cloud will hang over this year’s festivities due to ongoing complaints against the Judiciary. Reports indicate that there is a correlation between depression and repeated concussions sustained by Supreme Court Justices when tackling. Justice Scalia has firmly opposed any changes, such as implementing “flag constructionism,” insisting that the helmets issued offer sufficient protection to judges.

Many pundits were fearful that Congress would not be able to attend the Inauguration in an official capacity due to its ongoing strike over collective bargaining, which resulted in a number of canceled games throughout 2012 and early 2013. (Matters were exacerbated at the end of the year when Democrats unsuccessfully challenged Congress’s ability to lock out players from the Canadian teams—The Edmondton Oilers, Calgary Flames and Alberta.)

Fortunately Gary Bettman agreed to a Memorandum of Understanding between Republicans and Democrats, and Congress and the rest of our government can once again sally forth to take on additional debt.

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