Ok ladies, the world has heard your cry. You’ve been wandering around the nation’s capital looking for love in all the wrong places, trying to pin down hopeless causes like the Lost Southern Guy and Really Important Guy... But have you ever wondered what makes DC guys so elusive? Ever consider the fact that maybe challenges also lie on the other side of the dating aisle??? Here are ten types of DC women those guys have been dating (and dumping!) for years.
1. Beyond Type-A Chick
On your first date, she poorly conceals the fact that she’s already mapped out how many kids you will be having, what pre-approved names you can pick from depending on the sex of said offspring, and has mostly planned your nice but conservatively-priced wedding. You decide that this stage five clinger is too much when she uses the word "we" when talking to the bartender and cab driver. You have a feeling if you end up back at her place, you’ll find framed pictures of children and cats, and she’ll dictate how many minutes are to be spent in each sexual position. Meh, being a DC guy you hit it and quit it anyway.
2. MRS Degree Girl
She's 26, is a staple at George and is trying everything she can to wedge her way into the DC chapter of Junior League. She’s secretly appalled to not be in the first heat of her Kappa Kappa Gamma sisters to get engaged. The only thing she hates more than being blingless is her shitty PR firm job, which pays just enough to cover luxury building rent and her $300/month Mimosa Nails and and Dry Bar habit. She’ll invite you out to join all her friends at a themed pub crawl and before the night ends at Rumors, she professes her love for you and/or cries. If you go out with her again, don’t blame me if you get a text pic of her sister’s engagement ring; I told you so.
3. Granola Chick
Creative, spiritual and spontaneous; she can’t believe you’ve never been to the Meridian Hill Park drum circle, and demands to take you there ASAP. After 3 games of Frisbee with randos, you have the munchies from the contact high and suggest grabbing a bite at The Pig, only to be shot down because Busboys has more vegan options. She’ll wake you up early Saturday morning to hit up the Farmer’s Market to stock up on ingredients for her daily dose of homemade Kombucha Kale. Once it gets serious, don’t think for a second it’s okay to miss Jazz in the garden with her friends, who scoff at your salami-and-pub-cheese olive branch and open the paleo hummus instead.
4. The Intern
The very idea of dating someone with a real job makes her swoon; double that if you actually work for someone with influence. She’s super impressed on your first date at Front Page and spends the entire evening laughing at your jokes and staring at you with anime-esque doe eyes. She’s a fun summer fling, and you have a great time teaching her a thing or two. Just don’t go dating the intern from your own office; It’s all fun and games until your August breakup ends with your female colleague consoling her in the ladies’ room, where she plots her revenge for you between wails of "I thought he loved me."
5. The Power Woman
She has some cray job that she can never get out of before 8 pm and is perma-flustered. You met her in your running club, and she seems to have almost too much of her shit together. She has a lifetime subscription to eHarmony, an astronomical dry cleaning bill, and a thing for men in office and/or uniform. Your first date is at a wine bar, where she either gets tipsy and orders calamari or gets tipsy and goes home with you. If she stays sober, sayonara.
6. Lost West Coast Girl
She hates how fast everyone walks, doesn’t own a real coat, and can’t stop talking about how much better the mexican food is where she comes from. She considers socks and closed-toed shoes to be winter attire and even though she’s been here 3 years, she still doesn’t understand how in a city this big, so many people can live without central air and a dishwasher. She prefers Wonderland Ballroom to Clarendon Ballroom and is under impressed at the Capitol Hill Club. Things that she’s warmed up to: hardwood flooring and seasons, but only because boots are so cute. Things she’ll never warm up to: guys from Philly and humidity. It falls apart when you take her to a Hill party and she fields one too many negative comments about Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Lakers and Priuses.
7. Wannabe Girl
From the movie Election.
Her hair is un-naturally blonde and always looks like it was professionally coiffed... 6 DC summer hours ago. She wears pearls daily, and always has a blazer and elevator speech on hand in case of a networking emergency. Your first date is at Jose Andres’ hottest new spot, where over drinks, she interrupts your story about being Student Body President to awkwardly introduce you to a passerby, just so you know she knows people. After a few weeknight hangouts at Cap Lounge, she’ll realize your Klout score isn’t quite up to snuff and live tweet your breakup. #WayHarsh
8. Over Scheduled Girl
She's cute and super fun, and you really hit it off when you met at your friend’s party. Too bad she's not available for a date until five Tuesdays from now. She’s always on the run between hot yoga, restaurant week, cooking classes and girls’ night. It takes 5 dates and 2 months before you meet any of her friends, who don’t give you the feeling you’ll be around too long. It’s all over when you run into her at Solly’s on a Saturday night getting way too close to touchy-feely guy from her bocce team.
9. Obama for America Girl
Homegirl worked on the 2012 campaign after interning on the 2008 campaign back in college. She works for the administration somewhere super random, calls all federal employees “careers,” and is this close to having a tattoo that says “Obamacare 4 EVA.” You met her at a going away houseparty for someone you didn’t know and learned she’s on the same softball team as your friend’s friend’s roommate #ThisTown. Your first date is all you can drink brunch on U street somewhere. If it all goes right, you’ll be sipping cappuccinos together at Big Bear tomorrow morning.
10. Sporty Spice
Sporty Spice
Don’t be fooled by her undying dedication to her favorite SEC team, this chick is high maintenance in disguise. She may be totally down to spend Sunday at Carpool, but not before spending an hour and a half finding just the right way to tie up her pink jersey so it shows more skin. She’s more than happy to tailgate and bro out with you, but just know there will be a mascara-running nuclear meltdown if you run out of Michelob Ultra or low-fat ranch dip. Don’t be surprised when she reacts to your invitation for her to join your fantasy football league like it’s a marriage proposal; you better be in it for the long haul.
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