All I want for this Christmas in DC…

Tis the season to spread holiday cheer, help those less fortunate and celebrate with friends and family that we love! However, in true DC fashion, let me tell you what I want this holiday season- all I want for this Christmas in DC.

Ugh, 17 minutes to the next train to Glenmont? What’s that WMATA loud speaker lady? Oh, you advise me to “add additional travel time to my commute this weekend” while you “continue to approve the metro rail system?” Well, let me advise you what I’m doing. Uber! All I want for Christmas is to end single tracking on the weekends.

This city may be one of the drunkest in the country, but it doesn’t come without a price! $9 Jameson, $14 Cabernet, $8 craft beer cans. I’m so afraid to check my bank account every Saturday “morning” when I wake up at noon. I can’t take it anymore! All I want for Christmas is a $7 pitcher of beer, like we have back home. Ah, the good ol days!

I don’t often drive near the National Mall, but when I do… Ok, I never drive near the National Mall because I don’t drive. But when I walk by the National Mall, all I want for Christmas, for the sake of drivers from Farragut to the Hill, is for tourists to understand the meaning of a crosswalk. And obey the walk sign. Whether you’re from Ft. Lauderdale all bundled up in your parka in sixty degree weather or from London and you call it a zebra crossing, red means stop folks.

It never fails. Rain: broken escalator on a Monday morning in my suit. Ninety degree weather right before a date: walking all the way up the five flights of stairs that used to be a Dupont escalator.

All I want for Christmas is an escalator that works!

Do you have any idea what half your friends in your hometown do for a living? I mean, what they really do all day? Yeah, me either. All I want for Christmas is someone not to ask me where I work or how long I've lived in DC within 2 minutes of meeting me. It just doesn’t matter!

I have very moderate political views, but when you’re living in the nation’s capital, you learn to at least conversationally banter with friends and colleagues about trending political topics. It’s easy to see I’m no expert. That said, all I want for Christmas is to post a mildly political status without worrying about crazy friends getting into a social media knife fight in the comments.

I leave Chinatown and head to Georgetown in a taxi. Send a couple texts, check out my Twitter feed for a minute and bam! How the hell did we end up on Rock Creek Park? “Excuse me sir? I hope you realize I’ll be paying $9 for this $17 cab ride.” Thank you very much. All I want for Christmas is a cab driver who doesn’t try to take the scenic route.

Back home, I once owned a three bedroom, tri-level house I had built from the ground up, on the river, next to a driving range, with a mortgage less than what I pay for my studio in Northwest. I love this city, but, seriously, all I want for Christmas is an apartment close to a metro, larger than 600 square feet and less than 2 weeks' salary.

And finally, all I really want for Christmas is to know, exactly, minus the historical propaganda, why is there no J Street in Washington DC?

Featured image: Yohsuke Astoria

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