DC United: Love the one you’re with

Let’s get one thing straight: DC United will never be my favorite MLS team.

I grew up a Kansas City supporter, and no matter how long I live in the District, I’m always going to choose KC over DC when it comes to sports. I prefer the vague racism of the Chiefs over the overt racism of the ‘Skins, the annual mess that is the Royals over the promise and secrets housed in Bryce Harper’s goatee. For a long time, I thought these choices were mutually exclusive—I could only be one thing or the other. But after seven years in this city, it turns out I was wrong.

To what I’m sure is the surprise of those who know me, I’m here to publicly proclaim that I love DC United. That’s right. I said it.

Here’s how something like this can happen.

Stage One: Denial

You move to DC. You’re ready to adopt this new city, but you’re NEVER gonna let go of your sports identity! You’re PROUD to be from [home city, state or region]. You do copious amounts of research on what bars will show [your alma mater] games or the [NFL team you root for]. You wear your [favorite player] jersey constantly. You’re never far away from your [geographically representative MLB team] hat. Every step you take on your first trip to [DC landmark] is accompanied by you basically screaming “I’m from [home city, state or region]! I’ll never root for the[DC team]!”

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Stage Two: Anger

You’ve been in town a while. People are starting to make assumptions. When you meet someone new and they hear you like soccer, they inevitably ask you about DC United. Even more inevitably, they’re shocked to hear that it’s possible for someone to root for any other MLS squad. Except for the Galaxy. ”David Beckham is their best player, right?” These assumptions make you furious. You make all sorts of vows. You swear only to go to RFK on the day that United plays [your favorite team]. You swear you’d rather die than see Chris Pontius make the USMNT.

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Step Three: Bargaining

Maybe someone has free tickets. Or maybe you get invited to a tailgate with your rec team. You suddenly find yourself knowing a thing or two about DCU, despite your best efforts. Maybe you tell yourself you’re doing research for when [your favorite team] comes around. “It’s good to know your enemy,” you say. Or maybe you tell people “I’m not rooting for either side,” as if that somehow makes your presence at the stadium a gift. You pretend to be genuinely shocked when people start rolling their eyes.

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Step Four: Depression

You’re watching ESPN and you see that DCU lost to Columbus on the ticker. You think, “Dammit. That puts us [number of] points out of the playoffs.” You suddenly realize that you know more about the team than you should. You even more suddenly realize that you just used the word “us.” Instant, crushing guilt sets in. You immediately put on your [favorite team] jersey and start Googling “Stockholm Syndrome.” You suddenly feel very sympathetic towards Bella’s character from Twilight. “#TeamEdward,” you think. This only makes things worse.

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Step Five: Acceptance

After weeks, sometimes months, sometimes years of secret shame, you give in to cravings. You’re tired of the sight of a Volkswagen logo making you freeze. You want to stop pretending you’re watching the [MLB team] at the bar when all other screens are showing United. Eventually, casually as you know how, you agree to go to a game. You put on a black shirt, not a neutral color. You crush five Corruptions in Lot 8 to build up your courage. You walk into the stadium. You hear the chant.

“D-C U-NI-TED”

CLAP-CLAP, CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP.

Only this time, it’s not coming from the other side of the stadium. It’s coming from you. And the world hasn’t ended. You haven’t traded in [your favorite team]. You’re still from [home city, state or region]. The crowd moves into a different song. You sing along. It feels awkward, at first, but more than that, it’s surprisingly easy. You know the words, you know the players you’re singing to, you know the city you’re singing about. It feels right. It feels good.

It feels like you’ve found a second home.

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