Goodbye and Hello

A few weekends ago, my wife, Mary, and I attended two birthday parties that were at the opposite ends of life’s experiences. Attended by family and friends, both events were joyous celebrations of two remarkable people marking their 21st and 100th birthday.

At 21, George’s journey was just beginning. At some point he will have enough experiences and accept enough meaningful responsibilities to wear the hat of “manhood”. Each decade offers new and different challenges and rewards compared to the previous ones. I remember that when I reached 21, I was just starting a teaching job in DC, I was married, the Vietnam War was dividing the country and my son, Matthew, was soon to enter this world. Today, George faces a shaky global economy, a worrisome job market, and marriage and children more may be a reality in his 30′s than 20′s.

But given that every generation offers rewards as well as challenges, the conversation at his party was upbeat and looking forward to new possibilities and new beginnings. Of course, his ultimate success will be how he reacts and approaches each.

The 100th birthday for Mary’s great aunt was joyous as the assisted living recreation room was filled with friends and family to celebrate a remarkable journey. There were pictures from all stages of her very active life showing her enjoying weddings, birthdays, parties, vacations, graduations, and many more that filled the large screen in front of the room. There was even a jazz band playing songs from yesteryears. Unlike George’s, there was no talk of future possibilities but rather possibilities realized and lost. I ended the weekend thinking that it was a rare experience to see such diversity in a few days.

But the real gift came a week later during Easter Mass when I was given the opportunity to think about these two birthday events in a different light. A profound awakening occurred in me when our priest spoke of life as a series of goodbyes. I totally agreed with his thinking but thought there was more to his message. George has had to say goodbye to childhood and adolescence and the facts and interpretations of the experiences – the good and the bad – that both stages offered. He also has the opportunity to say goodbye to a major dependence on his parents.

Mary’s aunt has said many more goodbyes including friends who were there for a month and to others for years. She has bid farewell to children who left home, loved ones lost too soon, physical strength once taken for granted, and the independence of driving. But this is not a downer and the rest of the message finally hit me. We are here on this earth to learn and it is how we learn to say goodbye that will determine our opportunities to experience the hellos that will lead to our purpose or great potential. One event has to close before a new one opens.

Too many of us get stuck in a goodbye and find it difficult to move on to the next hello and learning opportunity. In each goodbye there is a “teacher” present and a learning opportunity. Many fail to take what was learned and apply it to the new experience. They fail to open themselves to vulnerability and therefore the opportunity to fully experience life. I know many people past the age of forty who have not said goodbye to the stage of dependence and therefore have not experienced true independence within the stage of interdependence.

I lost both of my parents when I was in my late twenties. In the beginning, I grieved and thought of them every day, which was normal. On most weekends, I would often visit their gravesites in Frederick, Maryland, to talk and share how I felt. As time passed, I said goodbye and at that point I was able to say a new hello to their spirit, which now resides in me.

George and Mary’s aunt are at opposite ends of their journeys but the one common theme to both are the goodbyes and hellos. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is one of the secrets of saying healthy goodbyes. We need to open up to our honest feelings, when remembering negative events, separating facts from interpretations, not taking ourselves too seriously, and not being afraid to share our experiences with others. The more we experience life and open our minds and bodies to celebrate life depends on how well we accept our goodbyes and say more and more hellos. On your next birthday, examine where you are stuck, deal with it, and welcome and embrace a new hello!

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